When you and your partner enter into a disagreement, it’s important to realize that you have each other’s best interests at heart. I get it. Don’t fight against one another. What to know about what you don’t know you know. But the reason we can’t, when we can’t, has less to do with the issue and more with those intangible needs listed above. Even if you bury it, it will rise again. It’s not about “winning”, even if you know you are right. However, discussions turn into arguments when one person and maybe both people, want something that they’re not getting – where that something is less tangible, like respect, attention, empathy, or support. Likewise, if you’re both so upset you can’t speak calmly, you may need to step away and take a breath. Fight for what you can create together. Still, it took years of research, reading, and experience to come to my own sense of how best to avoid an argument with my partner and how best to end it when it occurs. But knowing that there is no under, over or around conflict means you must address it straight on. 8 Truths About Intuition. I said “I’m sorry, but… ” when I wanted to emphasize that what I’d done was not intentional. Even if we hurt someone accidentally or unintentionally, we still need to apologize. But unless you’re an aspiring bridge burner (or relationship killer), you want to approach a disagreement or conflict with the goal of finding a resolution. To the contrary. It helps to remember that when someone we love does something we don’t understand there is usually at least one piece of information that we are missing. Don’t let the resentment snowball. An action? This can be the hardest part if you hate conflict and you’re the one who’s upset. How to argue with your partner without falling out By Paul McKenna 14 February 2020 Every couple, no matter how close or well matched they may think they are, will argue from time to time. How to Argue With Your Partner. #1: Intuition is very efficient—if you don't overthink it. Be willing to move yourself. By the time an argument happens, resentment and frustration may have been accumulating for days, weeks, months, even years. In a healthy marriage, you will want what's best for your wife. You have concerns. Olfaction Is a Primal Motivator, 7 Rules of Friendship Can Improve Your Romantic Relationship. Other arguments arise in relation to making plans and allocating resources: how to work, play, parent, house-keep, or accomplish a task; what to buy, where to live, how much to save, and when to spend time together; who’s going to do the dishes, and how you’re going to pay the bills. Criticize or complain about what they’ve done or not done or said or not said, but don’t label their very being negatively. There is no winning. When you argue in these ways, something shifts: an argument becomes an opportunity to learn more about how to be a better and happier partner. A person who doesn’t care has no reason to fight. Is it an apology? I hope not. 99% of the time, I’m willing to drop my defences once I know my partner has heard and understood me to a degree. Still, conflict and disagreements are an inevitable part of life. Part 2: The Mismatched Mates, 8 Things You Have to Remember When You Fight With a Partner, The Good News About Fighting with a Romantic Partner, Why You Pick Fights With Your Partner — and How to Stop. The places we are wounded become places we can connect more deeply, as we listen, hold space, and help each other grow. Fight for your relationship. 1. And the good thing is, we don’t have to “fix” these patterns all at once. It may seem like a small distinction, but there’s a big difference. Be clear about what you want. We don’t have to suddenly become all-confident, all-knowing, and all-loving. I always had better success with the second option and spent much less time doing it. It should go without saying, but in a healthy relationship, you should always treat your partner with respect — even (or perhaps especially) at times when you're upset with each other. This is something I used to be very guilty of doing. When I was younger, I used to avoid people who hurt or wronged me, in the hope of having a conflict-free existence. I am not one of them. I realized that I often said “I’m sorry if… ” when I felt my actions or words were being misinterpreted. "Make sure that you allow your partner to fully make their argument before you start to explain your side of the issue. If your partner is already feeling angry or hurt, this can quickly make things worse. Leave a reply. Could Vigorous Physical Exercise Help People Live Longer? Rather, the way to end the argument is to be honest with yourself about what you need and willing to listen hard to what the other needs too. Do yourself and your partner a favor and ask for what you need – not because you’ll get it immediately, but because you’re going to start deceiving yourself and your partner if you're not honest about it. Sure, it can be fun to debate a current issue or argue a case in court, but when it comes to personal relationships, I’d rather not. Fight for the relationship, not against one other. It comes down to simple principle we share: An argument is not over until we're grateful that it happened. There are ways that you can stick to the argument without it blowing up out of control. I hope not. There are reasons to fight. Plus, you can’t both yell and still be heard. So does your partner. Enter an argument with good faith. It is so easy to let frustration, disappointment, and anger shoot out of us in sniping words intended to sting and provoke. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? Typically relationship experts focus on how not to argue with your partner, not with them. Argue in good faith. (If you are dealing with someone who routinely criticizes or verbally abuses you, reconsider the relationship or get couples counseling.). Occasionally I’d dabble in a bit of passive-aggressivity when I had to interact with someone who’d upset me. You want to find a better way forward, together. Fight to be free of fear or judgment or anger. Fight to keep love alive. You can be right, completely right, 100% right, and still need to move, to listen, to honor, and to respond. Being silent when someone is yelling doesn’t mean that you condone their behavior (or think you deserve it), but it can render it unnecessary. You can’t avoid your partner, so that’s not an option. Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC, How Willpower Wasn't: The Truth About Ego Depletion. An argument is often not about what you think it’s about. If you interrupt while the other person is speaking it makes it obvious that you aren’t listening to them. I’ve always hated conflict. Leave space for the other to move toward you. And over the long run, passive-aggressive behavior can destroy a relationship. (Ever notice how it follows interrupting?). If you are the offended party, the temptation to come out with the proverbial guns blaring, aiming to win this showdown, can be real, especially if your anger feels justified by the other party’s misdeed. Go work out, catch a movie, decompress. If both parties are upset, but you feel you can wait to speak, then allow your partner to speak first. Not what we want. Care wants to move to where it is needed. It’s tempting to fear that sharing your feelings may provoke your partner into a fight. An explanation? Many people often react rather than respond to issues. Look it up. You have reasons. That’s because getting a good night’s sleep can make conflict resolution much easier the next day. This does not help you toward your goal of getting through the conflict. 3. Be ready to move because you care about something more than the fact that you are right. And it happens. This means calmly explaining why you are hurt/upset/angry/disappointed without ascribing intent to their actions that they haven’t verified. When you embrace this idea, and put it into practice, your arguments get shorter, more productive, and further and farther between. During an argument, each person wants to feel heard and understood. The Link Between Happiness and Sexual Intimacy, Will Your Relationship Last? Just apologize if you need to. Yet, being able to stick to the discussion, even when there is a disagreement or conflict, is important for maintaining communication. Your partner’s experience is their experience. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. Making sure you’re holding eye contact and positioning your body toward your partner when he or she is speaking will also signal that you are listening. Even if we hurt someone accidentally or unintentionally, we still need to apologize. Because it’ll lower your partner’s defence-mode and it’ll help open them up to hearing your side of things without getting too triggered by the argument. This means either silently listening or responding in a normal volume. Don’t attack. Ditto with name-calling. Maybe it’s because I hate conflict and I knew instinctively that criticizing someone’s character takes things to a whole other level, this is something I always avoid. Some people love to argue. These tactics help if you are dealing with a reasonable, non-abusive person with whom arguments, and especially raising their voice, are an exception, not the norm. You don’t want to hurt the other person or make the other person feel badly in any way. Yelling can be the result of someone not feeling heard. Say how you feel and how things look to you, but don’t pretend to “know” things you don’t. Then make that your goal. In these cases, when an argument occurs it's often not just about the issue. Rise in COVID-19 Cases: Good for Approval Ratings? It is an opportunity to learn about where you and your partner each feel vulnerable. 5. 3. This category isn’t even worth arguing about. Your partner’s experience is their experience. There is only so long a reasonable person can yell into silence before they realize they sound ridiculous. 2. Of course, now I realize that avoidance and passive-aggressivity are immature behaviors. Really hearing their point of view may even be enough to avoid a fight by giving you information that you’d been lacking to overcome a misunderstanding. And care is inherently dynamic. 5. Instead, figure out what a resolution to the situation looks like. So our only genuine option is to work through them. First, there is a category of arguments that happen in relation to facts – what happened and when, who was President during the first World War, or how many states ratified the ERA. So, trying to argue further about misconceptions during the fight will likely have bad results. “[Your partner] may not agree with what you’re saying at the moment, but they’re not maliciously out to get you,” says VanDerZwet Stafford. 4. I have gotten better at it and you can too. It would be like boxing an opponent who just stood in the ring. Fight until you drop into a place of pure gratitude for the other person, who’s here fighting alongside you. Remember back when you were in school and you could either stay up super late writing your paper or go to bed and get up early to finish it? These tactics work best if both partners use them, but you can see improvements if you start leading by example. The key to shorter and less frequent arguments comes down to simple principle: an argument is not over until we're grateful that it happened. Curing Coronasomnia: Four Tips from Neuroscience, Why Some Families Laugh Together and Others Fight, How to Get Close to Someone Who Is Emotionally Distant, Need Motivation to Exercise? Uncertain. How to Argue with Your Partner. My shoulders fall back down (into place) and I can begin to relax. The key, then, is to create space for what the other cares about – listen – and let that care evolve in response to where you are. Some people love to argue. If someone is yelling, the best thing you can often do is be quiet. Give your partner the information and opportunity to give you what you need by clearly sharing your perspective. Ever heard the adage “never go to bed angry”? If your partner is so angry they don’t want to listen to anything you say, it’s not the time to work through the problem. All of these questions can be explored and discussed. 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